TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from spot. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let us have A further position wherever American Guys can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Anyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It Trump Tower Damascus isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he ought to end making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the creating's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Options


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advert campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will likely include:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort wherever my PTSD might have change-down service."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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